Written October 3, 2010
Last night I had a dream...
I was painting.
There was no one else there, and nothing but a giant canvas in front of me and buckets of paint beside me.
I dipped my hand in the paint and cautiously touched the canvas. I began trying different colors, first a little, then a lot.
I began experimenting, and swirling, and mixing paints in no order with no purpose or plan. Just paint.
As I mixed and swirled I noticed that the colors did not blend or dull, but held their vibrancy, and even deepened upon moving this way and that.
I decided to grab hand fulls of paint and throw it at the canvas. As the paint hit it splattered and dripped.
I threw hand full after handful- every different color- as fast as I could. The patterns of paint were shifting and dynamic.
Suddenly I felt a new sense of freedom- I decided to pull the pain between my hands as it held its shape creating three-dimensional shapes suspended in the air.
The next morning I awoke from the dream ready to throw paint. ready to mix, and blend, and risk in creativity and freedom.
I woke up ready to live more fully.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
This an entry from earlier in the fall.. the next couple weeks I'll do some posts from my journal from the past few months- I may not have pictures for a while- my Mac is crashing and I' lost I photo. Thank goodness for back up drives. So here it is...
I know it's coming.
I can feel it.
My emotions seem to be just under the surface with no room to give.
I can see the hole ahead, and I know what lies is the bottom. I tremble and want to turn but I can't.
I'm already falling.
And this well is deep.
I'm not good at sitting at the bottom of the well.
I immediately want to claw my way out.
I'm a fighter.
How did I get here?
What can I do differently next time?
I know there is a lesson in this well. I know there is water to be found deep in the well.
I prefer to get straight to the water- I can do without the pain of the darkness, thank-you.
I move straight to the shoulds.
I should let go of dualistic thinking.
I should be present in the well and give myself space to feel pain.
Perhaps I should reach out to someone.
Perhaps I should eat healthier, go for a run...
should, should, should
But I didn't. And here I am- at the bottom of the well- with no signs of light.
Here I am. At the bottom of a well. With no signs of water to be found.
Friday, December 17, 2010
It's been so long... My blogging brain is a little rusty. I need your help. Three weeks after my crazy accident I went straight into my second year of seminary. I pretty much had to check out of everything else and focus on school and my family. But- it has been a powerful few months- and I long to connect with my community again.
I feel like God has been stirring and creating (as always) and I'm trying to jump into the 'double dutch game' of God's world. At times I'm just paralyzed with fear of jumping in at the wrong time and messing up. At times I feel confident and ambitious- but I'm not sure which game to jump into.
I have been journalling a lot- so I'm hoping to throw some words out here- please watch for coming posts and join the conversation...