Wednesday, December 22, 2010

the well

This an entry from earlier in the fall.. the next couple weeks I'll do some posts from my journal from the past few months- I may not have pictures for a while- my Mac is crashing and I' lost I photo. Thank goodness for back up drives. So here it is...


I know it's coming.
I can feel it.
Irritation. Anxiety.
My emotions seem to be just under the surface with no room to give.

I can see the hole ahead, and I know what lies is the bottom. I tremble and want to turn but I can't.
I'm already falling.
And this well is deep.

I'm not good at sitting at the bottom of the well.
I immediately want to claw my way out.
I'm a fighter.

How did I get here?
What can I do differently next time?

I know there is a lesson in this well. I know there is water to be found deep in the well.
I prefer to get straight to the water- I can do without the pain of the darkness, thank-you.

I move straight to the shoulds.
I should let go of dualistic thinking.
I should be present in the well and give myself space to feel pain.
Perhaps I should reach out to someone.
Perhaps I should eat healthier, go for a run...
should, should, should

But I didn't. And here I am- at the bottom of the well- with no signs of light.
Questioning. Doubting.

Here I am. At the bottom of a well. With no signs of water to be found.

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