the well

This an entry from earlier in the fall.. the next couple weeks I'll do some posts from my journal from the past few months- I may not have pictures for a while- my Mac is crashing and I' lost I photo. Thank goodness for back up drives. So here it is...

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I know it's coming.

I can feel it.

Irritation. Anxiety.

My emotions seem to be just under the surface with no room to give.

I can see the hole ahead, and I know what lies is the bottom. I tremble and want to turn but I can't.

I'm already falling.

And this well is deep.

I'm not good at sitting at the bottom of the well.

I immediately want to claw my way out.

I'm a fighter.

How did I get here?

What can I do differently next time?

I know there is a lesson in this well. I know there is water to be found deep in the well.

I prefer to get straight to the water- I can do without the pain of the darkness, thank-you.

I move straight to the shoulds.

I should let go of dualistic thinking.

I should be present in the well and give myself space to feel pain.

Perhaps I should reach out to someone.

Perhaps I should eat healthier, go for a run...

should, should, should

But I didn't. And here I am- at the bottom of the well- with no signs of light.

Questioning. Doubting.

Here I am. At the bottom of a well. With no signs of water to be found.